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Post by Rayven on Aug 26, 2011 22:47:20 GMT -5
General OOC Name: Rissa Name: Rayven Alias: Rae, Ray, Rave Species: Keiyou Gender: Female Age: 3 Pack: N/A Rank: Loner
Physical Height: 40 inches Weight: 61 pounds Appearance: Rayven has a shiny, dark grey, almost black coat which fades to a slightly lighter shade to her belly. Her toes are white, which sometimes gives her away. She is a bit thin for a Keiyou but she is quite healthy. Her eyes are a pale blue and has a sharp, piercing stare. Rayven's thin tail is black and has a silver tip. Other: Anything else of interest that you might have missed.
Mental Strengths: *She can fly quite fast and smoothly. *Quite good at fighting. *She can steal things easily, especially food. *She is intelligent. Weaknesses: *She can be a little arrogant at times. *She is quite short tempered. *Like all Keiyou, she is somewhat slow on the ground. *She finds it hard to trust others. Personality: Rayven is an average wolf, sort of rebellious and witty. When in tough, mental situations, she can overcome those challenges rationally and logically, though it may take time. She is quite smart but is sometimes just lazy. She is strong, both physically and emotionally and rarely breaks down emotionally. She is good at lying and can get out of trouble, but she only lies to enemies.She is also diligent and puts a lot of energy into her given task.
She is energetic and fights well. Rayven likes to be alone and can sometimes be seen daydreaming under a tree, thinking about her family whom she loves a lot.
She keeps her history and family background to herself and she finds it hard to trust others. She is very wary of who she talks to, so she does not really mix around with others. History: Rayven was born to two Keiyou, along with her older brothers. Being the youngest in the family, she would usually get most of the attention, and therefore became a bit arrogant. However, things changed when her father got into a fight with the chief of their pack and her family was forced to leave the pack and had to lead their lives alone. The only thing keeping them together was their love and support. Though, it was tough for them, they led their lives happily together, but secretly, Rayven held a grudge against the old pack and hoped the Alpha female would get killed and someday, she'd take her place as Alpha of that pack. Rayven's family was very close, and her parents would teach her how to fly. She would stumble every so often but her parents would encourage her to get back up and try again. As Keiyou, they were not very good at hunting for prey on land and so would spot prey from the sky and attack from there. She and her brothers trained and learned how to attack and hunt for food. She did not like to go looking high and low for jackalopes so she would fly back to her former pack and steal from there. But usually, she would leave the hunting to her brothers. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, for one summer afternoon on the dry grassland, a small bush caught on fire. It soon spread to the small cave where Rayven and her family lived, and also to the homeland of her former pack. In the midst of escaping, her parents were killed leaving her and her two brothers, a little burnt, to fend for themselves. Since then, Rayven has let go of the grudge against her old pack, as almost all of them were killed in the fire. She and her brothers had gone their separate ways, trying to forget about their troubled past. Other: Anything else you might have missed
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Satinka
Children of Hvítur Ári
Queen[M:0][A:2]
Tragic Juliet -Chess-
Posts: 109
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Post by Satinka on Aug 29, 2011 22:07:54 GMT -5
Keiyou are colored in natural colors, so the blue would not be possible. Blacks, grays, some whites, tans, exc - these are acceptable colors.
You have some contradictions, This sentence does not make sense.
Please try to list your characters strengths and weaknesses in bullet form ie: * * * Then explain them further in the personality section.
A lot of her weaknesses seem to mesh together and not have a lot of variety. Angry/Short/tempered/vengeful/Slow as a keiyou, these are all pretty typical let’s try something more detailed and different to give dimension to the character.
Re-think this, it does not make sense when reading it.
…another contradiction.
- What? You may need to re-phrase that within time she will eventually mature…
- Thence?
- In her strengths you state she is a fast and good flier, can steal food and fight…so she might not be a good flier if she can’t do a dive attack? This goes along with things that should be changed with the other contradictions..
I would really like to see her personality and history extended as well as the contradictions fixed. If you need help PM me, or another admin/mod, we are happy to help. When you feel like you have changed everything message here again and I will check it.
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Post by Rayven on Aug 29, 2011 22:49:44 GMT -5
Thence= from then, thenceforth i'm done. if there's anything else you'd like me to change, i would. i appreciate the help ^^
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Post by Chess on Aug 30, 2011 23:32:57 GMT -5
Okay a few more corrections.
If you are saying she rarely breaks down emotionally, and is strong then it wouldn't make sense to make her short tempered. You need to expand on what you mean by strong, is she just a wolf who doesn't show a lot of emotion? If so then she cannot be short tempered. You need to think about what kind of character you want her to be, because so far I see you wanting two very different things for her.
You also have many spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors that need correcting ie: Apologize, not apologise.
Remove the above sentence, it is stereotypical and has no place in describing a wolf, not even personality wise. Type out how she reacts and thinks in situations instead of relying on misused stereotypes, often they are wrong and can be hurtful which we want to avoid.
I highly suggest removing thence from your post. Some words, such as Whom, though, and thence...they are only used in a certain context to truly be understood and the way you are using it just sounds like it is not the word. To make it flow better with the voice you are giving me I would replace with, attack from there/then on/exc.
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Post by Rayven on Aug 31, 2011 0:12:29 GMT -5
done.
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