Lyxxus- Blue {Finshed-again}

[blue]

OOC Information
OOC Name:Blue
Link to Previous Character:First Character

General
Name: Bluethunder
Alias: Blue
Species: Lyxxus
Gender: Male
Age: 2 years
Pack: Loner
Rank: n/a

Physical
Hight: 20 inches
Weight: 35 pounds
Appearance: Blue is has a scarlet-colored pelt, with blue eyes. He has three scars, one on his chest, one on his front left paw, and one on his muzzle, that runs down and almost touches the scar on his chest. His scarlet pelt hues down to a dark red on his stomach, and his paws are all that same color of dark red. The tip of his tails are also that dark red color. He is a fast runner, silent on his feet, and makes swift and light movements when he walks and runs

Mental
Strengths: Fast, strong, very good vision, smart.
Weaknesses: Blue has hard hearing at times, he has a bad past, he has these flash backs of his past, he can get very aggressive and protective over sertain things like food, or territory, he doesn't prefer going out in the day much, and he only remembers names, not faces.
Personality: Blue has a strong personality with a heart of gold and is smart, brave, rarely gives up or cries, is funny (he thinks he is funny, but isn't sure of this fact), and loves to be around animals whether they are strangers or good friends. Blue has to frequently laugh to help him cope with the loss of his mother, father and sister and prefers laughing to crying. The reason why Blue doesn't like going out in the day much, and is very protective and aggressive over things is: Blue feels like everyone can see him when he's out in the day, because he has that red pelt. And that makes him feel threatened. He can go out in the day, but he doesn't prefer to. And the reason why he is very aggressive and protective is: Blue doesn't want all of his belongings' to slip away like his family did. He hates to talk about brothers and sisters, and mothers and fathers.
History: Blue was born in a den somewhere by the northern rocky moutains, and he was the only male out of the three. Skai, the oldest, was a female Lyxxus with bright red fur and green eyes. Kayo, the youngest, was a female Lyxxus with dark red fur and light blue eyes. Blue's mother, Dakota, had light orange fur with sky blue eyes. Blue's father, Ace, had dark red fur with dark, almost navy, blue eyes. Ace went out on a hunting trip when the pups where almost a week old, and then he never returned. But Dakota new he was alive. She could feel it. After Blue, Skai, and Kayo where a month old, Dakota moved the pups somewhere south, in a jungle. She found a tree den. Then, after another month, while Skai was visiting the sea shore, a seaserpant killed her. Later that week, Dakota moved the two pups because she couldn't stand walking back to the sea shore to get some materials and see the same place where her daughter lost her life. She moved the pups more west, and found a large, underground den. After three months, Ace found them, and they rejoiced happily. Unfortunately, two months later Dakota fell ill and died. Shortly after Ace moved the pups more north again, to their original birth den. Blue, Kayo, and Ace where happy there, untill a rabid raccoon came and bit Ace and he shorty later died. But, Kayo and Blue where no longer pups. They where young adults, being at the age of one year. Kayo and Blue chose to stay with each other and find a pack. A few weeks later of searching, they found a pack. The pack's High Cheif, Steel, loved Kayo very much, but wanted Blue to be killed. Steel put Kayo as a Queen, and Blue as a Nothing's. After Blue was fed up with Steel beating him, he left the pack and became a loner.
Other: Blue has no mate.

[Somatra]

Hi Blue and Welcome to Wonderwhy!
The first thing that needs to be addressed is you avatar size, it is considerably larger than the limit of 120 pixels and needs to be scaled down as it is seriously stretching the board. Let me know if you need help with this. Alright, on to your bio mon ami!
There may seem like a lot, but mostly it is because I am fixing small grammar mistakes and sentence structure. Bon courage as they say and full steam ahead!

Blue is has a scarlet-colored pelt, with (obviously,) blue eyes. He has three scars, one on his chest, one on his front, (no need of comma here) left paw, and one on his muzzle, that runs down and almost touches his ("the" sounds better in this case) scar on his chest.

His tip (replace with "The tips") of his tails is (replace with "are") also that dark red color. He also has a small, chain around his neck and on the end of the chain there is a small, thunder bolt, and this necklace came from his father. His father used to be in a zoo, and the zoo-people gave him the necklace. The necklace is barely visible, hence his long hair. Blue's tongue is an odd color: Blue, which is another reason why he is named Blue. No one knows how his tongue turned blue. He is a fast runner, silent on his feet, and has a swift, light move when he walks and runs.

Wonderwhy is a purely wolf rpg site, so it is impossible that Blue should have a necklace or have lived in a zoo, please modify the sentence in accordance. The second thing is the color of his tongue, lyxxus do not naturally have a blue tongue therefore he cannot have such a deviation from the species guide. But never fear for there is hope! After rp-ing and gaining paw print points you can purchase Odd Colors from the Wonderwhy Shop and give him a blue tongue at a later date if you wish. But for now please modify his description.

Weaknesses: Blue has hard hearing at times, he has a bad past- his mother died when Blue was eight months old, and his father died from a rabid raccoon when he was one year old, and Blue has these flash-backs of his mother and father from time to time, and he stops what he's doing and stares into space for a couple of ten minutes.

Now I am glad to see you are developing this character however this bit of information should be included in his history, not in his weaknesses. Hard of hearing is an excellent weakness, however please include at least 3 more, for example (and not necessarily in relation to your character) selfish, spoiled, too proud, large ego, terrible hunter, slow runner, etc.

Personality: Blue has a strong personality: He has a heart of gold, he is very cunning, he is smart, brave, never gives up, rarely cries, he is really funny (Well, he thinks he's funny, he doesn't know if he's really funny,), he loves to be around people [all animals] even if they're complete strangers or good friends, he always has to laugh once in a while, even if it's at a totally random moment, because to get through the pain with his deceased family he likes to laugh instead of crying.

Blue sounds like a very nice chap, glad to see you have elaborated on his strengths. My issue with this paragraph is that it is in fact one long sentence that needs to be restructured and corrected. Perhaps try something to the effect of: "Blue has a strong personality and is very cunning, smart, brave, has a heart of gold, seldom gives up, rarely cries, considers himself funny, and loves to be around other wolves regardless if they are strangers or good friends. (note: he can't really love to be around people as there are no humans in Wonderwhy, though I got what you were trying to say) Blue has to laugh once and a while, even at random, in order to cope with the pain resulting from the death of his family because he prefers laughing to crying." Like I said, good elaboration on his strength, just needs some sentence restructuring. In addition, you have not elaborated on how his weaknesses tie into his personality, please include them in this paragraph as weaknesses are an important part of character development.

Blue was born in a den somewhere by the border of Canada and Minnesota, and he had only two other sisters, Skai, and Kayo.

As Wonderwhy is independent from the real world it is not feasible that he was born near Canada or Minnesota, however you could certainly say he was born in (and describe the land, such as a rocky northern mountain, or a cold western sea shore or what have you).

They moved south, by Wisconsin, and their mother found a den there. Soon after, Blue and Kayo met their father for the first time. Their father went out to hunt, and he didn't return until their mother found the den in Wisconsin.

Same situation here, please replace Wisconsin with the something to the effect of moved south or to a warmer climate or whatever suits your fancy.

He moved somewhere around Illinois, and four months later he died from a rabid raccoon bite. Blue and Kayo found a pack and lived their (there) for sometime, then Blue moved on and became a loner.

Same scenario, but I believe you get the gist by now. Otherwise your bio looks good, though I would like to see a bit more of an elaboration on it for the purpose of character development.

Ok, I believe that covers it for the time being, let me know when you have made the requested changes by replying to this thread and I shall certainly check it over again to see if you are good to go!
Have a great day,
Somatra

[blue]

(To Somatra) And, yes, can you resize my picture? That would help alot. I read that the staff can resize pics, and I am clueless about how to resize pictures. It's either that, or I don't want to go through all that work. ^^

[Somatra]

Ok, so I see someone helped you or you changed the picture size, thank you. I am not sure if you were done but I have revised and the only changes left to be made is the one I mentioned for his personality and to add at least another 2 weaknesses and then he shall be good to go. Perhaps use the sentence I suggested for the current one still needs some structure work, though I can see you changed a couple things on it. Let me know when that is done and I shall approve for rp.
Somatra

[Cy]

I'm sorry, that picture is protected by copyright. Only members of her site are allowed to use those line, and even then only on the site they were made for. Please remove it.

[blue]

Oh, ok. Well, thanks for trying. I'll pick a different picture, and hopefully it'll work.

[Somatra]

Ok, so I see there are a few more things that need revision, please see to them and then I will see if you are good to go.

The tip of his tails is (IS is for singular ARE is for plural) also that dark red color. He is a fast runner, silent on his feet, and has a swift, light move when he walks and runs.(Try: He is a fast runner, silent on his feet, and makes swift and light movements when he walks and runs.)

Blue has a strong personality: He has a heart of gold, he is very cunning, he is smart, brave, never gives up, rarely cries, he is really funny (Well, he thinks he's funny, he doesn't know if he's really funny,), he loves to be around animals, even if they're complete strangers or good friends, he always has to laugh once in a while, even if it's at a totally random moment, because to cope with the loss of his mother, father, and sister he likes to laugh instead of crying.

Ok, this needs some structural work try "Blue has a strong personality with a heart of gold and is smart, brave, rarely gives up or cries, is funny (he thinks he is funny, but isn't sure of this fact), and loves to be around animals whether they are strangers or good friends. Blue has to frequently laugh to help him cope with the loss of his mother, father and sister and prefers laughing to crying."
Like I said, this is a great elaboration on his strengths, but it is important to include more on his weaknesses to get a solid character. Please write a bit about them in his personality.

But, unfortionatly, (You can simply use Unfortunately in this situation) two months later Dakota fell ill and died.

Alright, just give those things a look over and reply here when finished to let me know you've done the changes,
Som

[Somatra]

Ok, I see you made the changes, good to go then! Just make sure to pay attention to spelling and sentence structure/punctuation. Sometimes writing it up in Microsoft Word helps, I use it frequently. And on that note remember: one month as a loner to chose a pack! Happy rp-ing, see you out there!
Som