Forgiveness [ cypress ]

[•dokimer•]

. DOKIMER

What would it take
For things to be quiet

"You ran away."

Those three words were stuck in his head. For years, they had been there. For years, they had tormented him every waking minute of every day. It was the cold harsh voice in the back of his head constantly reminding him of his cowardness.

The first time he ran was from his mother. When she died, he couldn't bare to stay at his birthplace much longer. The second time he ran was from Hally. He feared for hers and his own safety, and so he ran. The third and last time he had run, was from his very life. His pack, his home. They had taken him in and given him a reason to breath each day; and he ran. Not only once, but he had run twice from them. The one thing he had done right in his life and he abandoned it. The shame that fell upon him the years following was too much to stand. He couldn't return to his home after the dishonor he thought he had brought. He didn't deserve to be with his family; he was a failure.

And yet, one morning he changed.

Months ago, he suddenly had an epiphany. He knew the disease and sickness raking his body would consume the last of his beating heart sooner than later. The thoughts of the shame and sorrow that filled him left him even more frightened. What if he died without saying how sorry he was? That was when he changed his mind.

For the past seven months, he had been traveling back to his home. He wanted to cleanse himself before death took him. The journey was long and hard, his weak body causing much more of a hassle than he'd like. His muscle was all but gone, hanging onto life by just a thread. Oh, how his body wanted to give up even before the travel began; but he walked on. For once in his life, he felt the burning flame of courage to face his fears. It drove him forward, towards the Tundra. It was the only thing he wanted. When he finally made it, he was both overjoyed and amazed that he had actually made it. He was home!

Yet his home was gone. He found his pack to be no where in sight. He could detect one familiar scent; Cypress. No, he'd never forget her scent. She had been one of his best friends before he ran like a coward. Bathsheba's scent was no where to be found, and many unfamiliar scents surrounded Cypress'. Though the scents were stale, clearly old and lifeless. What had happened to them? He traveled so far, for so long to express how truly sorry he was. They were gone. He lost hope and fell back into his depression rather quickly.

Dokimer didn't make it far. Nights before, he collapsed at the icey spring at the Mountain Range. The morning sun had little effect on him. His body jerked as his eyes opened weakly. His once bright brown eyes fluttered around the area. He whimpered quietly. Another slumber he had woken up from...

Despite being at the spring, dehydration was obvious. He had not eaten for days, nor made any attempt to clean himself. He didn't want to live anymore. He wanted the sickness that had been eating away at him for years to just take him already. There was no reason for him to live anymore. Shutting his eyes, he could feel his life going to waste. He thought about the wolves in his life that he had let down. "I'm sorry mom... Hally... Bathsheba... Cypress... Everyone... I'm such a coward... I do not deserve to live."

Dokimer weakly lifted his head slightly to the morning sky and opened his maw. He began to howl, very low and shallow. His voice was distorted but showed the sadness and ache in his heart. After only a few minutes of his last melody, he let his head fall back to the ground. He was ready for his reaper to take him now.

"You ran away."

Quiet like the snow

[Cypress]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=width,450,true]

[atrb=background,http://i909.photobucket.com/albums/ac298/Wonderwhy_wolves/cypress-1.png] She did not waste any time once she noticed that the snows were thawing and melting away. She was heading back to the tundra, to try to find the remaining members of her family that had been lost in the horrid storms. Rouge life was not easy, but the stubborn female was making due. She had run into her mate once since the ordeal and felt nothing but guilt and fear while around him. He was slipping in sanity and seemed to be blaming her for it all. Including losing their family. Though the accusations were never truly said, she could not help but feel like he hated her. It broke her heart. So she had resolved to go back to the tundra and dig them out of the ice if she had too. Her form was more lean than it had been in her youth. Her pelt was not as shiny as it had once been. She had gotten plenty of food by forming an alliance with her old pack mate, Xiomara, but the stress and guilt was too much to keep her healthy. Her lithe horns gleamed in the morning sun as she strode through the spring grasses in the mountains. There was still snow on parts of the ground, but it was warm enough to be comfortable. Her brown and green pelt rippled over her muscles as she powered herself forward. Her ears caught the yapping sound of a pair of coyotes bickering over their kill. Her fiery green eyes watched them from a distance, gauging their strength. It was a modest meal of spring goat kid. She was a proud wolf, but not so proud that she would not take advantage of an easy meal. She fluffed up her hackles and lowered her head to snarl as she charged toward her smaller cousins. She rushed in snapping at the others and growling viciously. She was going to scare them off temporarily, she knew, but it was long enough to take the kill away. She snapped her powerful jaws around the carcass and lifted her strong neck to pick it up. She trotted away while the coyotes were still scared and bewildered. Her endurance allowed her to carry the corpse far from the angry scavengers. She slowed her trot to a steady walk as the scenery changed a little. She was int he foothills of the mountains it seemed. She would need to eat and drink before she started the next leg of her journey. She paused, setting the kid down to smell the air. She detected water not to far off. She had just pinpointed the location when a lonely howl broke the silence of the morning. She was surprised that she recognized the voice...it just seemed weaker...older. "Dokimer?" Her voice was barely a whisper. She did not waste time. she bent to pick up her prize and started toward the location of the howl. It did not take long for her to come around a boulder and see a rather pitiful sight. He looked terrible. Her nose wrinkled at the smell of him. He was sick and dirty. Instinct told her not to go near him, lest she catch his disease. But he was an old friend of hers...and he looked so weak. She couldn't just leave him here. She stepped closer, careful not to alarm the older wolf. She set the prey down a few feet from him and licked the blood off her lips. She cleared her throat and quietly repeated his name, "Dokimer.....are...are you alright?" She knew it was a foolish questions, obviously he was not alright.

[•dokimer•]

. DOKIMER

What would it take
For things to be quiet

Dokimer's mind and body were slowly shutting down. He was thinking what it'd feel like to pass on and leave the earth. Become one with whatever was after life. The fear he held for death was on of his worst, but in this moment, that didn't matter. He saw no point anymore. He had finally built up the courage after years of debate, and it turned out to all be a joke. Maybe he wasn't meant to apologize to them. Maybe he was supposed to just die a lonely soul, forever tainted with his instinct to run from what he loved. The word coward came into his mind many more times than once.

He let his diseased body go limp and his breathing began to slow. "This is it," he thought somberly to himself. Silence was all around, his thoughts the only thing he could hear. He was finally letting go. Just as he was imagining the icey fingertips of death slowly grasping around his soul, a faint voice broke the silence. It was a female's, and she was calling his name. Through his delusion he could not familiarize the voice at first.

The old Yagi painfully opening his eyes into slits to peer at the wolf standing over him. He couldn't lift his head. With the bright morning sun behind her, all he could see was her silhouette. She looked brilliant with that golden aurora around her being. He began to shake lightly and his ears folded back in submission, believing she was his angel. "Y...you've come...to take...m-me?" His voice was very weak and low, barely audible; and it wasn't all due to the state his body was in. Even though he had given up, even though he was giving in, he still feared death. He shut his eyes again and began to whine and whimper softly, ready to feel his body grow lifeless.

"Dokimer.....are...are you alright?"

Dokimer could hear her voice now. He instantly ceased any movement and sound, the voice clicking instantly in his head. No, that was no an angel. He knew that voice. Silence fell for a few moments as the gears worked in his head.

"Cypress."

His eyes opened back into slits and he forced himself to lift his head slightly to get a better look at her. How could it be? He had been to the tundra, and they were not there; and yet, as he finally saw her form, there she was. His eyes widened to her and he began to tremble. The emotions running through him were so great, so amazing. Combined with his surfacing regret, the joy overwhelmed him. She was not dead!

"C...Cupres," he paused to think about her more common name, "Cypress!" He called her name with a much stronger voice than before. His emotions began to stir up both love and pain and his little stubs of tails began to twitch, trying to wag. He wanted to just run up and rub his nose into her fur, to nuzzle her and show her just how much this meant to him. Ttears welled up in his eyes. Attempting to jump up, his body shifted wrong and he yelped in pain. "I-It's really...you!" He spoke through clenched teeth, his excitement making him forget of his diseased and aged body. He had completely pushed aside her question, the very fact that she was alive instantly filling some of the empty space he held within.

Quiet like the snow

OOC; If you need more than that to reply let me know and I'll add more xD

[Cypress]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=width,450,true]

[atrb=background,http://i909.photobucket.com/albums/ac298/Wonderwhy_wolves/cypress-1.png] She was astonished at his state. It was hard to believe that in a few years that could be her crumpled form. As long as she had known Doki he had been feeble and..well old. She had never imagined seeing him on his deathbed though. Most the wolves of the tundra just wandered off into the wastes....never to return it was almost an unspoken tradition in her eyes. Why would any yagi want other yagi to see them like this. Bathsheba had done it, Cypress had planned on doing it herself. She was too concerned with living right now to worry about death at the moment. Yet here is was, right in front of her. She did not make a move when he lifted his head to speak, 'take you?' she thought to herself. Why would she take him? Where would she take him? Did he want her to deliver him to death? That made the hairs on her back raise. She would never take the life of a friend, she had made it through life without killing another wolf, she had no intention of starting now. He seemed delusional, his eyes looked fevered and crazed to her. Despite her own fiery gaze, the emotion behind it was stony and reserved. Why was he here? She felt a pang of guilt take her, she had let him wander from the pack twice. She had protected him. Was it her fault he was in this state? When he shot to his feet, his yelp of pain startled her enough that she took a half step back. She growled lowly in response, but the noise faded as quickly as it had come. He seemed so happy....or was it sad? Was he going to cry? She was bombarded by the emotion scents running off him, it was mingled with the stench of death and if cause her stomach to roll. She glanced down at the partially eaten kid at her feet. Maybe he needed food. She looked at the water beside him, yes it was food he needed. She turned back to him and the tone in her voice was soft, motherly, "Dokimer....you need to eat something." Instinct told her to leave him to die, but emotion made her stay. He had been in her pack, had been a dear friend at one point in time. He deserved more than to rot alone. Perhaps she could give him a few moments of bliss to ease his passing. She nosed the kill closer to him. "Here. Eat." She sat down allowing him to eat at the kill. She wondered if she would need to help him with it. When her pups were learning meat she could have to regurgitate it for them so it was partially chewed to make it easier on them. Strong and silent she watched him. It took her a few moments to realize that she was happy to see him, even if he was in a terrible state. He reminded her of better days gone past. Though the symbolism was not lost on her. The past was gone, the future was bleak at best. For all parties concerned.

[•dokimer•]

. DOKIMER

What would it take
For things to be quiet

Only one thought crossed his mind; she was alive. Oh, the joy it brought him to know that they were not all gone. Perhaps, if she was here, the others would be as well! His mind briefly wandered to Bathsheba. What had come of her? Judging from Cypress' stance, she had seemed to take a much higher title since before. What if... Bathsheba was gone? He felt the pang in his stomach at the thought. Even though she had been crazy, he hadn't wanted to leave on such a cowardly note. He had wanted to make it up to her, to everyone.

Fighting back his tears, he allowed for his body to rest back on the ground to lie down as comfortable as he could get. Nowadays, he couldn't get comfortable. Nothing had made him feel comfortable. Until now.

Just having Cypress standing there, even if she was being cautious, it gave him joy he had not felt in a long time. The life-long regret he's felt, for these few moments, it was all gone. He whimpered and whined in excitement and uneasily twitched his paws. She seemed slightly surprised by him. The small smile slowly lifted from his maw. Wasn't she happy to see him? His mind whirled with worry.

What if she didn't want to forgive him? What if she was disgusted by him now? He lowered his head and ears in submission, hurt on his face. He didn't want to disappoint anyone...especially her. Yet, he always seemed to.

"C-Cypress, I..." His voice was hoarse, slightly shaky. There were so many things he wanted to say to her. He ignored the pain racking his body, wanting only to see her.

He was about to speak when she offered her kill to him. He had been so happy to see her that he hadn't noticed it. Now that she mentioned it, the sweet scent waffed into his nose. It was suddenly overpowering and he felt his body tremble. It had been a while since he had a decent meal. Mouth beginning to salivate, he looked up at her hungerly for a moment before returning to the kill.

He lifted his tired maw to it, attempting to take a ravenous bite from the juicy meat; only to feel his gums and teeth bleed at the force. He whimpered, but continued to try and bite it. It was like he was a puppy with no teeth, only for him it was painful. The mere blood in his mouth just made it all the worse.

Growling, although a very distorted growl, worry washed over his thoughts. "I can't eat it by myself..." One thought made him glance up nervously at Cypress. Lifting his stiff neck slightly, his old heart ached. "I...can't eat it... It hurts too much..." His voice was quiet, frightened. Maybe he really was going to die; but it was alright now. He had Cypress here.

His conscious told him to spill his heart out to her. Let lose how sorry he was for abandoning her, for abandoning everything that had ever been good to him. Yet hesitation prevented it. For the moment, he fell silent and looked guiltily sideways.

Quiet like the snow

[Cypress]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=width,450,true]

[atrb=background,http://i909.photobucket.com/albums/ac298/Wonderwhy_wolves/cypress-1.png] Her fiery gaze was steady as she watched the old wolf struggle to speak and move. He had been one of her dear friends, but he had left more often than he stayed. So much had happened since he left, she had the scars and the age to tell that much. Her poorly docked tail twitched as she listened to him. Her heart ached for him, but she felt like there was nothing she could do. Her mind wandered to her mate, she knew what he would do in this situation, however she did not think she had it in her. She sat down in silence, chewing her lip slightly, it was painful to watch him try to eat. She saw his teeth, worn and bleeding. His gums were a sickly color that only meant death was not far. All she could do for him was watch over him as he passed. Make him as comfortable as possible. Her ears flickered when he admitted defeat. She drew in a breath, starvation was not a peaceful way to die. "Don't force it, Doki..." She felt that shortening the name would be more comforting. She stood and stepped closer, with one paw on the meat she bent down to rip into it. She chewed meticulously, wondering how soft she needed to make it. She opted to go back to the basics. She swallowed and went to get more. She worked her way through a quarter of the carcass. Some for her, some for him. Once she felt she had enough for him, she picked up the kill and moved it out of the way. She brought her chain back to him, allowing it to hover over his jaws. He needed to initiate the process, it was hard to regurgitate at will. She was managing to bring some back up for him, hoping the small bit that plopped onto his face would kick start old instincts. She was careful not to touch him more than necessary, for fear of catching his illness.

[•dokimer•]

. DOKIMER

What would it take
For things to be quiet

Dokimer closed his eyes and lowered his head, mind churning with disturbing thoughts. He'd been so close to starvation many times the past few years but now it was really taking effect. It only made him all the more conscious to have Cypress here. He hated her seeing him like this, so lowly and degraded. He was especially concerned with what she was probably thinking of him. In the back of his thoughts, a tiny voice snarled and sneered to his sickly form.

"Coward... Dirty coward! You deserve this after leaving them behind! You've always given up what was good for you because you are a COWARD!" The voice made him weakly lift his paws over his muzzle. He couldn't even eat by himself. It was like he was still a puppy, just as naive and stupid as ever. "Coward..." He whispered to himself. Cypress must think pretty low of him right now.

His audits twitched to her voice, calming and gentle. A sad brown eye peeked through his paws in hope at her. Maybe she wasn't angry with him. Hesitatingly, he lifted his paws from his face. Dokimer looked up at her like a helpless puppy as she stepped over him, the bright sunlight again shadowing her and throwing a golden aura around her. He couldn't help but whine as the chewed meat fell to him. He said nothing and closed his eyes, submissively accepting and eating it. He swallowed hard and winced lightly.

Careful not to appear too ravenous, he allowed instinct to take over and gently nosed her mouth, licking franticly--but weakly--at her lips. He knew it was shameful for a grown wolf to eat in such a manner, but there was no other turn for him. His diseased body was making him do anything to stay alive, especially now for Cypress. The thoughts in his mind vanished as he pushed them to the back of his head.

Quiet like the snow

OOC; If you don't want to get super descriptive with this part, we can skip a little bit to after she's done feeding him

[Cypress]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=width,450,true][tr][atrb=background,http://i453.photobucket.com/albums/qq254/Eldarwen5/Wonder%20Why/Gifts/Cypress1Mid.png] So much had happened to her in the past few years. She had risen high in a pack, taken the pack over, became a mother, passed the pack to her son and lost it all in one heavy stroke from the heavens. Her mate seemed to be going mad, out of her five children she only knew the whereabouts of one and her pack was scattered to the winds. She was weathered and beginning to age, her life in chaos. Yet here she was, with one wolf that had been there at the beginning of her life in the pack. An old friend, some one who had wandered in and out. And here he was again, begging for food at her maw like a puppy. It did not take long for the instincts to bring up the warm mash from her gut. She heaved gently and opened her mouth as she had done many times for her offspring. She moved her head so that a small pile splashed beside the male. Once her stomach was emptied of his share of the meat she stepped back, licking her jaws clean of the regurgitated meal. She quietly settled on her laurels to watch the depressing site. Her heart moved for the male, but it did not show on her face. She just watched over him, keeping a look out for danger. Becoming a rouge had been rough. But Doki was a loner....he was unable to survive on his own. She felt the need to stay with him. Perhaps she could nurse him back to health....though more likely she would guard him and ease him into a peaceful death. She decided to take in more meat, she quietly ate, keeping her green eyes on the male. After a few moments and stood to pad over to the water's edge. She drank deeply, pondering the situation as she did. She dunked her face in to attempt to wash any stray meat or even saliva from Doki off her face. She shook the cold water off and turned back to him. "Is that better? Would you like more?" This time she had more water in her belly in case he was unable to drink as well. Her poorly docked tail twitched lightly as she looked at him.

Table by Eldarwen · Image

[•dokimer•]

. DOKIMER

What would it take
For things to be quiet

Dokimer painfully ate the regurgitated meat, lapping at it's liquid-state next to his paws. He could hear the voice in the back of his head laughing at him. He was a grown male, and yet he was accepting such a childish way of survival. To his thoughts, it only lowered his self esteem more. "A real wolf wouldn't do this... He'd just accept death and move on..." To him, it was still being a coward. Always running, or trying to. Even from death.

Being alone for three years and most certainly been hard on him. He wasn't very thickly built, nor very intimidating. Most of the bacteria and viruses he had gotten were from the old carcasses he was able to salvage a little meat from. Now, he lie on the hard ground, unable to get up or move. It was painful even to turn his neck the way it was to eat but he did it anyways.

When he finished swallowing the chewed meat, he actually felt a slight release of tension. He wasn't full, though his stomach was more than happy to recieve even a little meat. He opened his eyes as Cypress padded back to him. Suddenly feeling embarrassed that she had to do all this for a grown wolf, his voice was low and shallow. "N-No... I'm alright," he grunted as he tried to move. His tongue still felt like sand paper against the roof of his mouth but the liquid meat had helped greatly.

Now that he was more content, Dokimer was able to finally notice her. She looked thinner than before, more distinguished with her age. Indeed he was older, though he had kept her image as young and free. He wasn't used to seeing her like this. In fact, he hadn't seen her in over three years. A lot must have happened since then. Now he even noticed how fluently she had been able to regurgitate the meat; maybe she had been a mother. A tiny pang hit his heart at the thought.

Silence had fallen between them and it took a minute or two before he noticed. He cleared his thoughts and gazed into her fiery eyes. He let the corners of his mouth rise in a small smile. He needed to get his feelings out. "Cypress... You have no idea...how happy I am...to see you," his words came between light pants, "And... You also have...no idea how...sorry I am." He was fighting back tears as the simple words fell from his tongue. He had wanted to say them for so long.

He closed his eyes, keeping the smile on his maw. "I-I've felt so...ashamed and stupid...for leaving the one's that I love. I... I always seem to...run away... I am a coward." He wanted to scream with the pain the words brought to him, but he tried his hardest to hold it in. He wanted Cypress to hear this. He knew he was close to death, and he at least wanted her to know how he felt.

"I..am a coward..." He repeated again, more quietly. He let his head fall to the ground and began to weakly cry, the sound coming off quite strange in his state. He suddenly wanted to just leave the earth, leave Cypress so she wouldn't have to deal with his pitiful body. He was so frightened and numb, he didn't quite know what he wanted anymore.

Quiet like the snow

[Cypress]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=width,450,true][tr][atrb=background,http://i453.photobucket.com/albums/qq254/Eldarwen5/Wonder%20Why/Gifts/Cypress1Mid.png] Instinct was fighting instinct that was fighting emotions at this point. He was sick and dying, old and decrepit. Yet she had given him food like a mother feeds a puppy. She knew it was dangerous without a pack so she was naturally cautious of his ailments. A contagion would end her as it was ending him. Yet she felt that she needed to care for him. Perhaps if she still had a pack she would have shunned him for fear of infecting her children. She contemplated retracing her steps, to maybe find Xiomara, her travel companion. She was mildly versed in the healing arts....but she felt that the search would take too long and her old friend would die alone before she could bring help. So she took on her pensive state and sat as close to him as she dared, letting him feel the warmth of her body without actually touching him. She would offer him as many comforts as she could. Her lithe horns gleamed in the sunlight as she settled in to keep him company. The food she had pinched would last at least a day, so she was in no rush to leave. She could keep watch, keep the birds off him at least until his body grew cold. She turned to look down at his face as he began to prattle on in such a wave of emotion, it was as if he had opened a floodgate. The surge made her heart wrench, but she kept her face soft, not wanting to grimace in alarm. She could not hide the surprise when he began apologizing though. Her brown ears folded back and her face creased in concern. She spoke in a gentle tone, though it was hard, "Dokimer....you don't have to apologize for anything. Wolves float in and out of territories....packs flux and ebb." She lowered to her elbows, resting in a sphinx position so she was closer to the same level as him. "The tundra was not for everyone...." There was a shred of ice in her voice at that, however the jab was at herself as well. Tried as she might, she was unable to keep the pack alive, so she viewed herself as a failure in that sense as well. To let loved ones down was something that happened no matter what. "We all have to run sometimes. I do not think any less of you because of it." When he began to weep she had to swallow her reservations. She crawled a little closer and gentle rested her head on the pack of his neck to act as a comfort, "You are not a coward....you were just meant for other things." The pride of a yagi usually would isolate and remove things like cowardice, but it was hard for her to feel that way toward such and old wolf and friend. In truth he was a survivor, to have lasted this long, but she could not think of a clean way of saying that without bringing attention to the obvious death struggle he was losing. "You don't have to worry...." IN spite of everything, she could bring herself to forgive the flaky past of the old male, especially if it would ease his passing.

Table by Eldarwen · Image