I am Wide Awake ((NELIO!!))

[Dreamith]

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[atrb=background, i1218.photobucket.com/albums/dd415/Somatra1/dback-7.jpg] "Speaking" I am falling and spinning and running in circles. Trying to leap, can't seem to breath. I am going nowhere! I can't find my head Lost in the chaos. I can't tell if my heart is there or if it simply just stopped beating! Someone save me! I don't know where I am going. I can't see where I am. I am lost to you. I am lost to me. Someone save me! I need you here with me. My heart is gone. Someone revive me! I am falling apart! Dreamith sang with all her heart to the heavens. She was confused, both in her heart and in her head. She knew she still loved Nelio, with all her heart and soul. So why was it that something seemed so different about them? Is it because she had grown up and had started to be a bit different? What was it about them that made them seem almost... off? Oh just thinking about it killed her. She didn't want them to be different, she wanted them to stay in love! It scared her so much just thinking about it. She didn't want to separate from Nelio. There was no one else out there in the world for her. She had learned to accept and even love all of the faults of that male. She loved everything about him. Yet it almost seemed like fate didn't want them to be. Oh! Her soul screamed out in confusion. Her heart and mind battles against each other, making her just hurt all over. What was it that was eating her so very much? The night sky was moonless and calm. The exact opposite of Dreamith's mind and heart. The night was warm, not even a breeze. The water in front of her. The rest around her was trees and grass. It was a pretty spot, nothing to special about it except for the small body of water. The starts danced above in the dark blanket of sky. The tranquil scenery didn't seem to be able to calm the white Cael at all, if anything- the silence was deafening and told her that she truly was alone. Dreamith suddenly fell to the ground, her heart breaking. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to think. Why did she feel like this so badly? Yes, many nights she had felt like this but it had never been this strong. It didn't kill her so much. "I wish I knew then, what I know now. Wouldn't dive in... wouldn't bow down. Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet... till I woke up on the ground..." Dreamith sang softly and whimpered to herself. She then closed her eyes. "I am wide awake..." D r e a m i t h' s . S o n g

[Nelio]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=width,450,true] Lio was preparing, he was preparing to leave the Accord's lands as beautiful as they were. From the time he had arrived until now he had enjoyed scouring every inch of their lands from their beautiful waters and cliffs to their forests. Usually he avoided their den area, even though they had welcomed him and the group of others they were gone now and it was just he and Tawny. As it was he didn't expect a lot of welcome from the other wolves and he was not terribly disappointed in that regard. What he was thankful for was the fact that even though his dream had failed, everyone abandoning him had forced his hand about how he felt about everyone that was in his immediate circle. It would seem everyone had made their choices, Crow and Tor's paw steps had seemed to go back to the Cove, nearly very close together if not a day or two apart...even though his heart cared for Tor he understood her choice, Crow had been there before him. It stung, but it was minimal, the one who hurt more than that was Dreamith's disappearance. The female whom he had claimed as his first mate had disappeared without word from his sight. Her scent trailed off somewhere within the territory but still he could not find her. It had hurt him deeply that she had just disappeared all things considered. She had said she understood him and how he thought about things but obviously not if she just up and left like this. He was out attempting to hunt for one of his and Tawny's last meals before they headed out in the morning to return to the place they first met and where they would make their home together, the Cove. But his mind was scattered and all over the place, he wondered what he had done to drive Dreamith off, was it forcing her to leave the Cove, to perform even though she was scared and hesitant? He sighed slightly, trying to make it inaudible as he attempted to flush out the rabbit from the brush in front of him. He didn't want the idiot brained prey to get away from him, but he couldn't seem to concentrate. Slapping his paw into the brush the creature darted out and ran, and he dug his paws in quick for purchase as he moved with it. Snarling he pushed his body further and further until he was beside the creature. He reared his head up and put a paw out in front of the path to knock the creature off balance before he swung his head down and slammed his jaws into the rabbit's neck. With a quick snap of his own head the struggling stopped, and the feet stopped kicking. Nelio was breathing hard, and even though the journey had strengthened his muscles he was still a Cael and most of them just would never be the most graceful muscular wolves that walked the land. It was while he was moving back to Tawny and their tree where they had slept since he had confessed his feelings for her when he heard Dreamith's voice. Thinking that he was hallucinating, he dropped the rabbit close to the makeshift den and walked, or rather trotted to where the sound was coming from. There, quite a distance away, making his muscles scream with the effort was Dreamith on the ground, crying, and singing to herself. He pushed his spine into a straighter position, and straightened his face, licking his muzzle as he slowly approached her, if nothing else both of them needed closure. It would be a lie to say framed by the stars and the night sky that she wasn't beautiful but Dreamith had always been. But the thing was, she didn't pull at his heart strings the way she used to, in the past he could feel relaxed around her, be her Romeo, her protector, but things had changed, ever since he had dedicated himself to the Circus. He realized that even though he had pushed her hard, she still didn't seem to want it as badly as he did, or she wouldn't have left him. He was hurt over it if he was honest with himself, he was hurt, and hurt so badly that as he approached her he had no intentions of lying and telling her everything was okay and that everything would be okay. Instead his metallic silver eyes were as cool as the night sky above them, and he sat a few feet away from her, tail curled in around him, the blue speckles across his pelt unseen in the night, just another brown colored wolf, nothing special. His mind raced with all the things he could say, should say, wanted to say, but in the end all that came out was, “I'm sorry Dreamith...so sorry.”

Table by Eldarwen · Image · Image

[Dreamith]

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[atrb=background, i1218.photobucket.com/albums/dd415/Somatra1/dback-7.jpg] "Speaking" Dreamith thought she had matured so much. But as it turned out, it was as if nothing had changed in her at all. If she had matured at all, she would have know to talk to Nelio about her feelings instead of running. And yet, that seemed to be the best thing she could do, run. She constantly ran from her problems but it seemed that the faster she ran, the worse the problem became. And now she was tired. Tired of running and tired of being so scared. She thought she loved Nelio, no, she DID love Nelio! She loved him with every fiber of her body and yet something was lost.... something was lost in that long walk. But what was it that had changed? Perhaps... perhaps it was because she still felt jealous... of sharing. But she thought she had rid of that problem the when she told Nelio she would be his mate! So what was it that had seemed to kill cupid? To rid his arrow from the heart and only leave pain? Perhaps it was because of Tawny.... Dreamith had realized that Nelio had been quite keen to her... and protective of her... but why should that bother her any? Oh she didn't know what to feel any more. It was all just so complicated and hectic and chaotic. She wanted Nelio... she wanted to hear her voice... to hear his comfort. She wanted to feel him close to her and to listen to their hearts beat as one... just as it always had... oh how she missed everything about him. And yet when she heard his voice, her heart shattered like a glass vase falling from the top of a skyscraper. It nearly killed her. Dreamith stopped crying and was silent for a moment, not being able to lift her head and look at him yet. She suddenly felt weak beyond reason... and not the weak when your next to a loved one and feel like falling and being caught. No, this weak was the kind where you feel so guilty for all you had to this person... and she felt it ten fold. Dreamith then with a soft grunt, shakily picked herself off the ground but kept her back to him, not able to look at him. For another painful moment, she was quiet, unsure of what to say. "No....no... I am... I am so sorry.... Nelio... so sorry..." She finally said quietly in a soft whimper. She wanted to see him and yet she couldn't look at him. She knew if she said anything further, she would end up hurting the both of them. But she had to speak, she had to. Dreamith also knew that she had to say this to his face for it to mean anything. But she couldn't bare to stare into his pained eyes.... or to see him be absolutely fine after her words. Either way she could not win. But things could not go on as they use to. Things could not continue on as if nothing happened as it had before when she had her last little disappearance. No, her running had to stop, and this was the only thing that things were going to be resolved. "Nelio..." She started in a shaky breath. She then turned around and looked into his beautiful... eyes.... the ones that use to mean the world to her. Her steel blue eyes shot to the ground for a moment, it was so painful... but all she could expect is that it would get better... someday. Dreamith could not sit down her snow white body, only stand and dig her black paws into the ground, keeping herself from dropping to the ground again. She then looked back up at him. "I love you... I have always loved you. You were my everything. The air I breathed, the water I drank, the heart that beat. But.... but.... I don't know. I really don't know. Something changed... I don't know what did.... but it did. If I knew, I would tell you. If you know, I would be so grateful for you to tell me." She chuckled slightly, nervously, hurtfully. Dreamith sucked in a big breath of air, as if it would be the last time she would ever get to breath. "I don't think it is jealousy still... still of Tor and even," She paused and glanced down then back at Nelio. "...Tawny...It couldn't have been jealousy since I had told you that I would put those things behind me when I became your mate. But if- since it isn't that... what happened? You loved me with all your heart and you with mine. Maybe it was that look in your eye.... it was a look almost as if I had lost you in someway. Did I loose you?..." She then paused but didn't really want him to answer. Slightly stronger, she continued on. "For some odd reason... the best thing I do is run. I had run from you before and... and I.... I ran again. And oh Nelio.... oh how I am tired of running. I don't know why I do it.... I don't want to do it.... but I think if I were to ever run again....... I don't think I would ever come back." She said painfully, if this ended badly... she knew she probably wouldn't see him ever again. No.... if this ended badly, she would not be able to bring herself to ever see him again. It would hurt her to much. She tired from pain.... it had become too common and she needed it to stop. It was useless, this pain, there was no reason for her to have to endure and keep it in her chest constantly. All it did was cause her more pain and probably pain to everyone else she was around. No... she needed to relieve herself from this stupid, heavy, pain. "Do you think we could ever be like we were? Such youthful happiness that seemed like it could last throughout our entire lifetimes... do you think our hearts could ever amend again and things could be wonderful once again. Oh how I wish to stop feeling like I am such a disappointment to you... you and everyone around me." She said slightly angrily. She then sighed and her head hung down, she looked at the ground. "N-Nelio.... do you... do you still love me?" D r e a m i t h' s . S o n g

[Nelio]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=width,450,true] Unfortunately the way things seemed to happen for Nelio was that everyone decided to try to fix everything on their own, or run away from everything and by the time they realized that they couldn’t fix it alone, or needed him or wanted him, it was too late. That was the case as it stood right now, both Dreamith and Tor had abandoned him, Tor he was pretty sure returned to the beach with Crow and while he was happy that she found a path of her own that made her happy, his heart was still hurting over the teal Cael. He didn’t even know how he would approach her, just like the dilemma he faced right now with Dreamith, he really had no idea what to say to her, he knew he couldn’t make everything right for her, there was no way he could and he knew that. It saddened him but he knew it to be truth, he was no longer a leader of the Circus, he was not a high ranking member in a pack. He was simply Nelio, a loner who would probably spend the rest of his life in the Cove, but now at least he had a female by his side who would stick by him through anything. At least he hoped, because the brown Cael couldn’t see himself living through much more disappointment. He heard her hiccup and stop her crying when he had appeared next to her, but he also watched as she couldn’t look at him right away and he stubbornly looked to the left and then right before finally settling to look up at the stars above them. Here she was, unable to even look at the male whom she proclaimed such love for, whom she had left in a strange territory to chase her own problems, or rather run from them instead of letting her supposed mate take care of her. A feeling of anger and irritation rose from the pit of his stomach as he thought about it, and he now realized that not only was he hurt and disappointed by her, but he was angry with her, and that scared him. He didn’t want to be angry with her, but he could not control how he felt and anger and hurt often went hand in hand, one to deal with another. He watched as she pulled herself up from the ground and proceeded to still not say anything but to turn her back on him. His ire with her had risen exponentially at this point, how dare she act like the injured party here! Or how could she just not look at him, they had been mates, mated under the stars, and traveled together, she had been a part of his dream and NOW she turned her back on him? He snorted behind her, indignant and irritated. He heard her say she was sorry but he couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t accept an apology given while she had her back turned to him. It was like a double slap in the face, she couldn’t even admit guilt to his face, the wrinkles on his nose rose as his lips pulled silently over his teeth. The words he spoke were in a near growl, “What are you sorry for Dreamith?” He wanted her to admit it to him, all of it, and to his face…”Face me.” His eyes were cold as he made the request, where before they had been liquid silver warmth when he looked at her now they reminded him of cold steel, and even though he couldn’t see his eyes, he knew that they showed nothing, just like his face as he finally saw her body begin to turn towards him. Even after that she dropped her eyes to the ground, and he kept utterly still, and now utterly quiet. She would answer to him, or he would turn his back on her and walk away forever, forsaking the closure to give her a taste of what she had done to him. He was surprised that he truly felt this way but he couldn’t hide from himself. He listened without much change in his face as she declared that she had loved him, he had been her everything…his eyes softened a little at that, because it had been true. But things had changed and he had no more insight into it than she did. He listened to the rest of her speech quietly, his eyes searching her face, wishing he knew what her reasons behind everything where. He wished he knew if she was holding something back, he wanted to know everything! He wanted to start his new life with closure and so far he wasn’t getting anything but her own excuses which she was telling herself, probably the entire time she was gone. With a heavy sigh, which shook his shoulders he looked up at the sky and then back down at her, trying to figure out how to respond to everything she had said, and trying to quell his own stubborn feelings of hurt as he thought of a response. “I don’t know any more than you do Dreamith. You were the one that left, I had assumed that when you did you had a good reason, but it seems like we are both sitting in the dark as to why you left. I don’t know if you lost me Dreamith, only you can say what has happened with your own heart to be true. I don’t think you were every truly okay with the idea of sharing me, you didn’t see yourself the day Tor and I were with you in the forest of the Cove. There were more times than not when I thought you were going to go for each other’s throat, I don’t think either one of you truly accepted the idea that you couldn’t have me to yourself, but only you can come to terms with that, I can’t make you or tell you to.” “I did love you, in my own way, but perhaps we should not have become mates at the Cove after we had parted ways the first time. That should have been a clue from Great Spirit or someone that it just wasn’t meant to be. We were there in each other’s life when we needed each other I suppose, but everything runs its course and I think our time together has run its course. You never really wanted to be a member of the Circus, you did it for me, and while I am forever grateful I think between the fact that you never really wanted to do it, nor could you get over your jealousy from Tor and Tawny, it drove you away. So perhaps, I am responsible for making you run.” It was a bitter pill to swallow, truly for he did not want to take responsibility for her running, he didn’t want to be the problem, he wanted her to take responsibility and tell him more concretely why, but perhaps this was the best it would be. At her questioning of if they could ever be like how they were he shook his head from side to side slowly, “No Dreamith, I don’t think we could. That time is over, you have grown into someone different as have I, we are no long younger wolves playing in the Clan’s swamp, catching frogs and fish and watching fireflies. It lasted for as long as it could but you have issues you need to deal with, and I can’t always be wondering whether or not you will still to deal with them. I want someone who is always going to be there…” He didn’t quite mean it to sound so hurtful but it was true, and she had even said it herself, if she ran the next time she would not come back and he could not put himself in a position to be hurt by her a third time. He wanted a family, and he wanted stability wherever he could find it outside of a pack, which meant he had to find it with a mate, and she could not give him that. “There is just too much inner turmoil within your heart and soul Dreamith, I have tried to tend it, mend it, heal it, and love you through it, but it has turned around and stung me more than once…You’re not a disappointment to me Dreamith….” Just to my breaking heart he thought quietly to himself before hearing her last comment and his tongue caught in his throat before he could attempt to re-settle himself and answer her honestly. “Dreamith, my heart still loves you, but not in the way you want me to. Whereas back in the Clan, my heart and my desire roared like a wildfire, when you left it dimmed to the sparkles of fire that comes from lightning, and even though your return stoked them to life, this last time of leaving, as left me with little more than kindling and ashes, they are still warm, and they will still burn you, but it is not enough to sustain you, nor I. For that I apologize Dreamith, I can’t keep a fire in my heart roaring alone, and I can’t stand by and watch you run from me every time your heart or head doesn’t agree with something or causes a problem, I can’t let you shatter my heart into dust that will fly on the heels of your paws as you run from me, forever trying to catch you…” His eyes then looked into her own, and truly showed how sad he was to have had to tell her all this, no matter how true it was. “I hope you find a happiness that you won’t want to run from…” Speech

Table by Eldarwen • Image • Image

[Dreamith]

Aug 3, 2012 18:57:41 GMT -5 Dreamith said:

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[atrb=background, i1218.photobucket.com/albums/dd415/Somatra1/dback-7.jpg] "Speaking" Dreamith stared into his eyes... how could she do this? She didn't want to go through this... the words he would throw back to her would be hard- this she knew well. What would she do after she hears him speak his words? What would be left of her? Why the hell was all this happening? Oh wait... that last one she knew the answer. She ran. Because she was always running. Ever since she had left her family, or rather, were kicked out by them, she needed someone to cling on to, support her, help her. And that was when she had fallen in love with Nelio. He helped her, he loved her, and yet her problems never left her. She never stopped feeling so useless and weak, unable to contribute to anything. The second time she had returned to Nelio, she had agreed to be with him through the Circus. She thought then that she would then feel like she was truly a part of something that she could help make and grow. But things just seemed to grow worse. So much more worse that she lost control of herself and ran. And then here they were, standing here, with the pain growing in both of their hearts. The one largest difference between the two Caels was that he had someone to go to after he leaves her. But Dreamith had no one. She would start from square one of where she had been before Nelio. Pack-less, love-less, and with no one to turn to. Dreamith swallowed hard when Nelio told her than he didn't know if she had lost him. And that she was the only one that knew what was true in her heart. As he continued speaking, her heart sank heavier and heavier. If she hadn't ran, none of this would have happened. Everything would have been well if she would have just talked to him. He would have done his best to help her, it would have at lest been better for him to try and help her and know her problems instead of her disappearing, hoping that the problem wouldn't be there when she returned. However, of course, that backfired and the problems only grew in ten fold each time she returned to them. Her love- or rather... just..........just Nelio explained to her that he didn't think that she ever fully accepted his idea of wanting more then one mate and loving Tor as well as herself. Perhaps... perhaps it was true. But that could not have possibly been all of the problem. No... no she knew indeed that it couldn't have been all there was to the problem. And there was in fact, more to the problem. Or rather, more than one problem. Oh why couldn't there just be love? There were too many damned complications. However, they all seemed to start with her. It was always her to start it, because she was afraid. Always so afraid like she had never grown up from being a pup. Just so scared. When he spoke that he did love her... just in his own way, it made her cringe. Though not so much as badly as his next words. Should not have become mates?! She screamed in her head. How could he say such a thing?! Sure they were having such terrible problems now but... but that does not mean he should have ever wished to take apart what had been done... especially something so special. Not meant to be... no no that could not be. Not meant to be? Well.... if there was any other explanation... it would have been there as proof... however, there was none. And that fact destroyed her. But there was more to come. He said that she never wanted to be a part of the Circus... but... but she did! It was a chance to be a part of his....his...dream. She wanted to lower and shake her head in shame at herself. And the jealousy... jealousy for Tawny as well... she never even suspected her at first. But then of course... time grew and she did see them together... how strong their relationship was and how Nelio's and Dreamith's relationship was so.... lacking. And then he.. he said that perhaps he was responsible for her cowardice? No... no, it was her.... her cowardice and laziness alone. Because she was weak, she had always been weak. Weak and clingy. Perhaps that was really why her parents wanted her out of the pack. They knew how she was going to turn out.... done for. 'No Dreamith, I don't think we could. That time is over, you have grown into someone different as have I, Dreamith's heart sank. No, no they would never be as they were again. In fact, they seemed to be that that they were not to be at all... not now, not ever again. He then spoke on to say he couldn't always be wondering if she would deal with her problems and he wanted... no..

[/i]needed[/i] someone who would always be there. And of course... he was right. He did need someone by him who would always be there for him... someone who would share all her problems with him and try to work the problems out together... someone who was helpful and true to both of their dreams.... he needed someone who was not her. She continued to listen to him, painfully. To much turmoil within her heart and soul... also one hundred percent true. He told her that she was not a disappointment but for some odd reason, she couldn't lead herself to believe that. He told her that his heart still loved her... but no where near as strongly. And his words made that crystal clear. In fact, perhaps more than she wanted to know. And then the last bit of his truth... Nelio apologized to her and then told her that he could not stand by and watch her run. Every single time she felt to weak or useless and conflicted. Then at last... he said that he hoped she would find happiness that she wouldn't run from.

That did it, that struck her down and yet some how, her body continued to stand. Perhaps to frightened that if she were to lay down, she would never get back up. "What happens now?..." She asked quietly. Happiness... was that a guarantee after this meeting? How could she ever find happiness... something so close to what she had with Nelio? Their good... such lovely times... they were the closest times she had ever been to bliss and happiness if those were not completely bliss and happiness. Her head hung slightly in defeat... what else was there to do? Would they part now? Never seeing each other again and she just being some girl that he use to know? Did he... did he really know her? She couldn't be sure since she hardly knew herself. At one... one special time in her life, she thought that she knew herself. That she had found herself with her mate... or at least... once upon a time... long ago mate... Nelio. But if they were never meant to be... then she obviously was not the grown up, lovely, strong (definetly not strong- she knew) female wolf she thought she had grown into. If anything, she was anything but that. Just goes to show that not everything is what it seems to be. Dreamith's steel blue eyes fell to the ground. What to do now? She looked up at him again and then rose hwer head, though not at all to its full height.

"Perhaps... it may be to much to ask now... for one last walk. Assuming we may..or.... or will never see each other again." She said, her eyes staring into his. To never see... see those gorgeous eyes again.... those eyes that she had gotten to wake up to a good amount of mornings. How would she live without him? So many things would remind her of Nelio... such as the smell of the navy blue waves from around the coves, sandy beaches in the warmth of the sun, seeing another pair of mates.....she never imagined that she could actually loose Nelio. The times that they had spent together... the memories that would never fade in her mind and yet could possibly blow away into dust from his heart and mind. They would never be the same... much less ever see each other again. What if they did happen to meet up with each other again? Would he remember her? If he did... would he think of her at all kindly or just the mate that had neglected him and that they had to separate because she wasn't big enough or strong enough to act like an adult and work her own damned problems out? What was she going to do without him? He spoke of happiness.... was there such an option of that for her? Or did that die away with their suppose to be ever lasting love. That ever lasting love that tricked her and obviously did not last forever.

"You know... just to think of the past while we can together and then afterwards.... afterwards........ you won't ever have to see me again. I will never be around you to pain you... or remind you of the hurt I caused you... repeatedly..." She added on quickly from when she had spoken and then glance down. Dreamith wanted to add on and tell him that he was lucky to be able to go to someone still after this while she had no one and nothing but the wind at the back. What some would consider freedom was what she considered death, only still somehow breathing, walking, and thinking. She dearly hoped that he would not deny her last request of him. Perhaps if she were being seen by a mature, lovely, and very strong version of herself, the other version of Dreamith would probably snap at her for her to shape up and stop being so depressing and over dramatic. She would probably tell her that she would survive being alone and that happiness was of course still an option. She just had to go out and look for it. Though of course, her weak, cowardly self did not think such. Her weak self as she was, she did not see any bright side to such a situation as hers and definitely did not see how happiness could ever be such an option again. Nelio was her happiness as far as she was concerned, and she had lost him. And it was [/i]her fault[/i].

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D r e a m i t h' s . S o n g

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